I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
