I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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