Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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