There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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