I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
sarcasm needs its own font
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
