I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
