Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
