I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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