Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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