You're so nebulous sometimes
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
