Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
