I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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