I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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