i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
