just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
