From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
do nipples grow back?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
