Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
