Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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