i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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