Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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