i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
