dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
porn star boner night. come get it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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