What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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