I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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