my phone needs a breathalizer
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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