the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
