Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
