On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
