I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
