My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
