I showed him my bush... on skype.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
