Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
