I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
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