If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
