Porn is love you can see.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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