I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
