there's paper in my vomit.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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