i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
