i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Randomize