the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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