You just made me feel so damn special
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
