Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
