so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i wish my penis had a tongue
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize