K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
