im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize