He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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