Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Randomize
