You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
