Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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