Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
