nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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