And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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