she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I checked into jail on foursquare
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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